Flying W Things

Have you ever replaced an interior door?

What a pain.

Here are the steps involved:

1. Measure the existing door. (It will be a nonstandard size.)
2. Go the hardware store and buy a new door. Let's call this Door Number One, or "The $30 Experiment."
3. Buy a couple sawhorse/workbench thingys so you have a work surface.
4. Buy a neat-o door handle hole cutting template thingamajig.
5. Come home and ponder how to trim fractional inches off the edge of the door while assembling new sawhorse/workbench thingys.
6. Get out the circular saw and try to make a straight cut across the door. Fail.
7. Confer with your father-in-law on tactics to guide the saw across the door.
8. Search the garage for a piece of lumber that is long enough and straight enough to use as a guide. Success!
9. Find lumber, use it as a guide, attempt to cut the door. Fail.
10. Go to the hardware store to buy new circular saw blade and some chisels.
11. Return home, use new blade to cut door. Success!
12. Using guide, trim the other dimension of the door. Success!
13. Using the old door as a template, mark the hinge and doorknob placements.
14. Using the neat-o door handle marker-ma-jig, cut holes for the doorknob. Success!
15. Using the new chisels, try to trim out the space on the side of the door for the bottom hinge (this is called "mortising"). Fail.
16. Find some wood putty and reconstruct the whole business so that the hinge will fit properly.
17. Mortise the top hinge. Success!
18. Bring the door inside and hang it.
19. Realize that the door is too narrow.
20. Realize that you measured to the wrong side of the saw blade.
21. Realize that you're going to be doing this all over next weekend.
22. Realize that right now would be a good time to do some deep breathing exercises and have a few beers.
23. Wait six days.
24. Go to the hardware store and buy Door Number Two.
25. Trim the door to the proper width and height.
26. Using the old door as a template, mark the hinge and doorknob placements.
27. Using the neat-o door handle marker-ma-jig, cut holes for the doorknob.
28. Talk to neighbor, find out that they have a router you can borrow to mortise the hinges.
29. Go to one hardware store looking for a router bit and hinge mortising template. Fail.
30. Go to another hardware store looking for a router bit and hinge mortising template. Fail.
31. Go to another hardware store looking for a router bit and hinge mortising template. Success!
32. Come home and realize that the bit has a 1/2" shank and the router has a 1/4" shaft opening.
33. Return to the hardware store to exchange the router bit.
34. Come home, practice with the template and the router on Door Number One, now "the practice door."
35. Wonder if you are supposed to be throwing sparks off the router bit shaft whilst routing. Hmm.
36. Do a small amount of router research on the Internet, ignoring the plentiful links referencing Cisco.
37. Discover that you need a router guide bushing.
38. Go to a hardware store looking for them. Fail.
39. Go to another hardware store looking for them. Fail.
40. Go to another hardware store looking for them. Fail.
41. Quit looking.
42. Realize that you're going to be working on this next weekend.
43. Realize that right now would be a good time to do some deep breathing exercises and have a few beers.
44. Wait six days.
45. Go to another hardware store looking for router guide bushings. Success!
46. In your excitement to route out the hinge mortises on door number two, neglect to check that you are routing them out on the right side.
47. Use the router to mortise the hinges pointing the wrong way.
48. Become extremely exasperated.
49. Go to the hardware store and buy Door Number Three.
50. Trim the door to the proper width and height.
51. Cut the door handle hole.
52. Mortise the hinges.
53. Mortise the latch plate.
54. Install the hinges and the door hardware, filling gaps with wood putty as required.
55. Test hang the door. Success! (Now that you know what you're doing, steps 49-54 will take about two hours.)
56. Remove the door and place it in the garage for painting.
57. Realize that you're going to be working on this next weekend.
58. Realize that right now would be a good time to have a few beers (deep breathing exercises optional).
59. Wait six days.
60. Remove the door handle and apply a coat of paint to the front and sides of the door.
61. Wait.
62. Apply a second coat of paint to the front and sides of the door.
63. Wait.
64. Turn the door over and apply a coat of paint to the back of the door.
65. Wait.
66. Apply a second coat of paint to the back of the door.
67. Wait.
68. Reinstall the door handle.
69. Rehang the door.
70. Done!
71. More beers!

Today I saw that Home Depot's profits for the quarter were up 17%. Coincidence? I think not.